After a Time of Lostness

Yes, I know. It has been a very long time since I've written here. Not that I think anyone is listening that I return. It is only to have a place to organize my struggles and glimpses of victory that I even write now.

It has been a very long and very dry season. Although the word "dry" doesn't begin to express the pain and struggle. Dry somehow seems too clean. It has been a down-bogging, sloppy, messy and ugly time. Dealing with "family business" had drained and buried and defeated me to the point of not wanting to share or talk about it. My brilliant solution was to ignore it?? Deny it? While I didn't deny or ignore the situation, I so wanted to deny my total helplessness to remedy anything or to improve the state of things..

You see, in all this pain and lostness and hurt, God has commanded one thing of me...."Be Still" And I'm the first to tell you that I am not a good "be-stiller"...not even close. I want to DO something!! But when Abba calls me to be still, I have to listen and strive with my whole being to obey. And it is the most difficult thing He has ever asked of me. Why? Shouldn't being still be restful and peaceful? I guess it is SUPPOSED to be but in my experience...in my heart...it is like asking me to swim across the ocean. I don't think I have what it takes.

He let me know the reason at least. Whatever the outcome of this long-term, ever painful struggle...He wanted His fingerprints and His fingerprints ONLY to be seen on every happening along the way. Others involved in the mess don't see it at all. They only see my faults and my struggles as weaknesses to be exploited and ridiculed. I've never felt so alone and misunderstood and misrepresented.

The long hard slog back up to glimpses of daylight has produced many bruises and many gashes in my emotional and spiritual being. At times I have so wanted to DO and not BE that I have checked with Him again and again just to see if the command still holds. And there it is, from many different sources and many different directions, the same still small but very strong Voice..."Be Still"

I see hurt and injustice and I want to DO. Someone lashes out at me and every fiber of my flesh wants to lash back! I've spent way too much of my emotional energy devising what I could possibly do to change things...change my life...change other people. I think, "If only I did THIS or THAT" but no sooner do those plans and options leave my aching heart...there it is...that same Voice, whispering with almost a pleading...."Be Still"

In the past during this many year struggle, I have not listened well. I have jumped in and done things my way. Always with the DOING of things. I realize now that I was only trying to show Him that my way would work! Well, you don't need a blog to let you know how well THAT went.All it did was greatly delay His plan while I tried to make it all happen NOW. But the delay is over. How many things would already be better if I had just stayed out of the way...just "Been Still"?

Relationships torn apart, hearts shattered into a million little crumbs. And all the time the underlying fear that it will all be gone...forever. I'm so tired of crying. So tired of being sad and afraid. So tired of even caring. So wishing that I could just run away and forget it all...leave it all behind.

But for some reason, Abba has required that I remain. I've given up asking why (well... most days I have) because the only answer wrung from heaven is the same..."Be Still"

Yes, I've taken a few baby steps in this "new life" of lost ones and gone ones. Some days I'm even excited about this "new life" but mostly just staggering to find the next baby step along the way. I'm not at all sure even what this "new life" will look like or how I will respond to anything or anyone. It is a whole new vista opening up little by little. I am indeed a stranger in a strange land.

But He is showing me, baby step by baby step. I'm learning to trust him...deeply and without reservation. Please notice that I say "learning" not "have learned". I am so aware of the long distance to go yet. I cling to His promises to me with the determination of a drowning soul in a vast ocean clinging to a single circle that floats.

My joy and my thanks to Him for His patience with me, His understanding of my aching and fearful heart, His provision to me of a faithful husband and faithful friends. I so often wonder if they grow weary of even seeing my name on the caller ID. It has consumed me for too long now.

I'm seeking to move on in whatever that might mean.  But I'm moving while I "Be Still"

I have no answers, I have no claims of triumph. I have no grand statements of insight or understanding. All I have is a loving and kind Father who loves me unconditionally and has plans for me sometime...somewhere.

To all of you (or any of you if anyone even reads this) who have walked beside me in this journey, often times even carrying me on your shoulders of prayer, I pray Abba's richest blessings on you all. You have my undying gratitude.

So I close my ramblings for today. It's a selfish exercise really. I don't write this to help anyone or point the way or shine a light. I do it because it helps me somehow to put it into written words. My own declaration of obedience even through the pain and loneliness and loss. 

Vision Question

While on the treadmill this morning....a good time to think and pray...I was considering a current situation in my life that has caused me great emotional pain and spiritual challenge.  

My musings:

OK...(Heb 11:1) Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Got it.

However...I'm a "visual" person. I lear best when I can SEE stuff. Could that be part of the reason faith can sometimes be such a challenge for me" Do I KNOW He is working? Absolutely. But I want to SEE it...or at least a sign of it...or something...anything...

Next:

This same situation has caused great fear in my life recently. Not fear for myself (although what happens to the one I fear for DOES greatly impact my life). I fear for another person...an innocent.

So many questions!

While she has shown great insight into the heart and love of her Abba, is she strong enough in her faith to withstand the onslaught of dysfunction in which she currently find herself? Why am I so afraid that her fledgling faith will crumble under the pressure? Perhaps because I am suffereng and sometime so close to crumbling? and I've been a Follower for decades...

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear hat to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -- I John 4:18

Well, that's me..."the one who fears." But it is no surprise to anyone that MY love is not perfect:: and in the KJV the verse says "for fear hath torment." No kidding! Such torment is no stranger these days. But it is not SUPPOSED to be my companion.

Perfect Love...

That can only be HIM! HIS love is perfect.

OK...so what do I do with that?

Do I believe He lover her perfectly? YES
Do I believe He loves her even more than I do? YES
Do I believe He cares for and protects the Innocents? YES

So I fear because...????? Well, obviously the failing is on my part, not His. Now what do I do? Or perhaps a better question for a soul who is "being still"...How am I supposed to BE?

Because just now I can't SEE if she is protected, surviving and standing firm.

But is it my RIGHT to see?? Well...since I don't I can only surmise that the answer to that is NO.

So I wander on in faith...without fear.  Well...at least I endeavor to do that.

Now you want to know the amazing love of my Abba? This weekend, we get to see her!! Even in spite of my frail and feeble struggle to be who I'm supposed to be in all this...HIS perfect love is taking "visual" steps to quench that fear andlet me SEE His perfect love at work.

And after this...I can only hope in His divine grace to keep working in my strangled little heart to trust HIS love for her and find a PEACE that passes all understanding...HIS peace..the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, that will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

Traveling the Road

I had an interesting experience today as I was working on one of my latest art pieces.

There I was, sitting at my sewing machine, working on a rather mesmerizing quilting pattern of continuous line spirals, and it spoke to my heart.

Free motion quilting on an intricate pattern can be quite challenging.  For this pattern, especially after doing several of them, I started to glance ahead to see how much I still had to complete.  Bad idea...the needle wandered a bit off the prescribed line!!  Not a good thing when attempting concentric circle spirals.

Back to concentration....

I tried to glance backwards (all while still sewing) at what I had already stitched to check to be sure I was still on the line.  Another bad idea...the needle wandered a bit off the prescribed line!!

Back to concentration....

Kept my eye on each single stitch.  Would you believe that was not the answer either!!

Finally I found that if I concentrated just enough to see the immediate area, it was not long until I found the rhythm I needed to get a free and easy flow of fabric through the machine.

What on earth is this life lesson you might ask?   Well, as it spoke to my heart...here it is.

When traveling the road throughout my life, if I look too far ahead I can stumble on rocks or other things in the path.  If I turn to look behind and measure my progress (while still walking) I can get totally off the path. And if I concentrate so much on each individual step, staring at the ground right at my feet, I can walk right into a tree or a wall.

But....when I relax (let Abba give me the appropriate perspective on my journey) and see the road from His viewpoint, I travel more free and easy, flowing in His guidance for my travels.

Praying that your travel along your road, following His guidance, will be joyful and rewarding!

Patience Pays Off

Finally after all the holiday hubbub, it looks like my life is getting some form of order!

For me....that is something!

This year I'm dedicating to exploring what future might be awaiting me in the art world.

My word for 2013 is --  INVESTMENT

I'm investing time, money, effort and concentration in making and sharing my art.  Why art you might ask (or perhaps you didn't). Art is a passion of mine, what inspires me and gets me up in the morning. Now I know that might not sound "holy" but you need to understand.... To me...art is an opportunity to share in Abba's beautiful gift of making more beauty. To recognize that He shares with me a small part of His creativity...well...it boggles my mind.  And in the journey to discover true joy...how can the gift He's shared with me for this time NOT be a  major part of my world and life?

And...I learn from it. He uses my experiences in my studio, learning from other artists, sharing this passion to teach me more about Him and about His desires for my life.

Like today.....Patience

I have a new piece on my work island and I'm so excited about it. It is laid out and ready for the next step which will be the stitching.  But before that, I have to pick out a backing for this fiber art quilt.  Now I KNOW that most people see the backing but I try whenever possible to make it pleasing as well. I "auditioned" several fabrics that would work but none really satisfied me.

The temptation to "settle" and just get on with the fun part was strong. I walked away from my fabric stash a couple of times but just couldn't really commit to the fabric I had in my  hand.

THEN...the inspiration from Him hit with full force! And it was like a key fitting into a lock and smoothly turning to open up the door!

So here's the deal. The theme for this exhibit is "Page Turner".  I happen to be a HUGE mystery buff so I chose as the title for my piece the iconic first line "It was a dark and stormy night..." I can't show you the piece yet as it has only just begun but it will be a dark night with an old house and lightening. Fine...now for the backing fabric.

I have a large piece (in fact HAVE had it for some time!) that is a very light cream background with an almost golden light brown WRITING on it! How perfect is that for a book themed art piece? I'm so excited!

Now to the lesson for my life today --

Don't settle just to keep moving or doing. It is SO worth the patience to wait until it is really "right" and "fits".  

Would I have had a nice piece with the other fabrics? Probably. After all, this IS just the back of it.  But...AHA! Another lesson.

He cares about the so-called insignificant and the often unseen!

Who among us hasn't at some time or another felt insignificant and unseen, stranded in the backwater, passed by unnoticed?  But He never loses sight of us...never loses His caring for us and His desire for our JOY.

Patience (NOT a virtue of mine I'm afraid) but it is growing daily...by His grace!

Last thought -- I am humbled that He considers His patience with me to be worth the Joy at the end. That He sees me as HIS valuable work of art, embellished daily by His hand......even the backing part of my life no one else really cares about.

A Sweet Aroma

One of my favorite things about snow storms is that usually it means I get to spend long stretches of time in my studio.  A true joy to be sure!!

These past two days, after about a foot of snow, I've been dyeing fabric for a new art series I will be working on in 2013. It has been quite a while since I last spent days dyeing. The interesting thing to me was how much I enjoy the smell...the aroma...of procion dyes! I know it might sound weird but I think it is because it brings back wonderful memories.

Memories of discovery...discovery of the whole world of art. Yep, it started for me when I dyed my first piece of fabric. And Abba is taking me on a creative journey that seems at times to run full tilt, but with occasional rest periods to reflect and be inspired for the next leg of the journey.

So as I was reveling in the aroma of a studio full of dyed fabric, I was contemplating how such a small thing as an aroma could cause such wonderful emotions to well up in my heart.  The cause of such great joy, fun and excitement!!

And He reminded me of Psalm 141:2 May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. Just think.....   Our prayers...a sweet aroma before our Heavenly Father.  I believe our prayers, a significant part of our relationship with Him, cause great joy, fun and excitement in HIS heart. And as great as that is....He doesn't stop there. 2 Corinthians 2:14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ's triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere. May all the wonderful aromas that surround us, especially during Christmas... Baking...Cooking...Greenery...Candles...The Fireplace Be a sweet reminder of the joy He takes in our prayers and the joy we have in representing Him to the lost world.

Reconcile The Books

It seems there is inspiration to be found in any number of places. Sometimes unexpected ones!

Yesterday I was reading in a trade magazine I subscribe to. The Editor's column was about "times when we are forced to 'reconcile the books' and start over." One obvious time being the New Year with all it's hopeful and optimistic resolutions. But then she carried it over to an artist she knows who lost all of their current art creations, supplies and business as their studio washed down a river during Hurricane Irene. It follows with the inspiring story of how she started over. Even how this incident "allowed" her to experiment with a new avenue of art she had been wanting to explore.

As an artist, I could not imagine losing all the things I've done and all my carefully gathered supplies in one fateful day.

And it challenged me to think long and hard.....

Not long into this enlightening soul search, I was thinking. Thinking about how so often, when life throws me a curve, I get behind on projects and art work deadlines (self-imposed ones mostly). Just recently, I was feeling burdened by falling behind in an online group where one of my goals (set no doubt during a time of great energy and optimism) is to do something new every week.  I'm now about 5 weeks behind.  So I had already decided to just start over where I am today and let those 5 weeks go...off into the wind...and taking the guilt and "failure" along with them.

Then that still small Voice reminded me.....

The same is true in our spiritual adventure.  We don't have to be burdened with past failures, missed opportunities, errors in judgement, etc.  He has given us a great promise....His own reminder to "reconcile the books and start over".

Lamentations 3:22-24

     The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

   His mercies never come to an end;

      they are new every morning;    

   great is your faithfulness.

So I start each day with a blank canvas....what will Abba and I paint on it today? What new adventure shall we explore? I can hardly wait!

Somewhere in the Background

If you follow this blog....you will know that "being still" is definitely a challenge for me.

And yet....my heart hears almost daily....."Be Still"

It comes from unexpected sources sometimes. But the message is the same...

BE STILL

Recently I was having a long-distance "tea" with a dear friend. It was a particularly vulnerable day...things going on that left my heart wounded and feelings barely hanging onto my sleeve they were so in the forefront.

One situation in particular - the one with the loudest "Be Still" written all over it - came up in our conversation. When I mentioned that I was off and on having a time of it...being still and all.

My friend made a simple comment.  Not like a thundering sermon or "Here's what you have to do!" kind of thing.  Just a comment in our discussion.

But it rocked my world!

Her comment: "Just because you are being still doesn't mean nothing is being done."

WHAT?????

I mean really.....could I be any more arrogant????  To think that if I wasn't doing anything then nothing was happening?  Oh sure....I could SAY that I was trusting Abba to take care of this situation and turn things around. But was I really?  If I WAS, would that comment have hit me right in that vulnerable heart???

Just thinking of that every day since our "tea" keeps me humbled before Abba and so much more aware of how feeble my attempts at resolution would be anyway.  To KNOW that He is working...no matter what it looks like....even though it might be somewhere in the background of the situation.....well let's just say that life is much more peaceful.

Oh I still talk to Him about it.  That's because that situation is never far from my thoughts.  In fact, any "down" time....time when I'm not keeping busy with daily adventures...the second I quiet down - it is there.  But now I see it differently.  I see more of His hand working in it and not my stillness.

So I will remain still... (the lyrics of "Be Still My Soul" by the Imperials are in my head....soothing my heart)

I trust Him....completely....quietly......in stillness.