Given and Taken Away

The Lord gave

The Lord has taken away

The Lord gave back

The Lord took away again

Now the Lord has given again.

The same gift...like some crazy yo-yo or something.

Job 1:21 - the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised!

The giving part...it is so easy to praise the name of the Lord. I can rejoice and give Him all glory and honor and praise.
In my own heart and in the congregation, my community of believers, my chosen family around the world.

Then he takes away that very gift I so praised Him for.  I gave Him all the honor and glory.  I did it all "right"!! But the gift is still gone. Did I miss something? Did I not do enough? Oh I'm more than willing to admit that I have no idea a lot of the time. But I gave it my best...that I know. So what went so terribly wrong?  I struggle so hard to understand!

Then the gift returns!  OH HAPPY DAY!! All praises all round. Everyone who was praying for just this gift are informed..."God answered our prayers!!!" Rejoicing all over the place...around the world!

Then...the gift is gone....again. Surely not....not again..... How can this happen....again?! Why did the darkness and pain return? I can only answer...I have no idea whatsoever. Praising Him now....with the gift gone....not all that easy.  I thought I had cried all my tears before. I'm so very aware that the supply of tears seems endless.

Praise Him??? Oh I understand the concept but in those first days, I'm surprised I can even get up in the morning to face another day.  I cry out to Abba to ease the pain, to change the situation. And in meeting Him I eventually find that I CAN praise Him. Not FOR the situation but IN the situation.  I slip often...He catches me and sets my feet on the path each time...lovingly....with compassion. No reprimand in sight.  He knows our frame that we are but dust. And at times like this I feel dustier than most others. But HE remains solid and steadfast.

And He gives again.  Not EXACTLY the same gift but a gift to remind me that He loves me and can use even me....slipping, broken, inadequate me. This gift I see as a loving "place holder" while the original gift is still missing.  Not a replacement. That original gift could never be replaced. But a chance to see Him still at work. I have only to open my eyes...and my heart.

Oh yes, the pain of the missing gift is still very real and very deep. He knows that. So I also praise Him that only HE can keep that gift in HIS care just now. He hasn't forgotten or given up.  The gift is not thrown on the trash heap.  That gift is in His loving, caring....and powerful hands. 

And I praise Him for He is still the giver (and the taker) of gifts. But even in the taking, He is still my everything.  In fact, even more so. That is always worthy of praise!!

Love Lost

This is what I wanted for years......just NOT how I wanted it to happen.

I now have endless days and hours per day stretched before me to spend in my studio doing one of the things that gives me such enjoyment...and a feeling of completion and accomplishment. Making Art. That is what I have longed for. Days of art without interruptions or distractions. Just didn't want it to be mine by way of pain, anger, hurt, mourning....

Seems we don't get to choose how things come into our lives. So now I have two opposing emotions in my heart. I so miss my little darling granddaughter. Miss her so much it is often a physical pain...and the freedom to throw myself totally into my art.

Is enjoying my now "free" studio time a betrayal of all she has meant to me the past 3 years??? Especially the many many hours we spent together in this same studio making art.

"I'm an artist, Nani....just like you!"

How she is no longer here is a story too personal and painful to post in any public venue. It will have to be enough just to say it hurt more than the death of our 2 year old son. At least I KNOW where he is and what he is doing.  Her current situation, in my heart, is full of fear and concern. BUT....I keep reminding myself (#13) - Abba knows just where she is and just what she needs. He is able to care for her deep in her sweet, loving and tender heart in ways I could never do.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Oh there are many times I do not believe that to be true! And then I believe it with all my heart. All I know is that it is much more painful to have lost.

So, I wonder, how many times can a heart break and keep on loving? Does it truly heal or do scars remain? While I know Abba is a perfect healer...I have to admit that my heart so often feels like one big mass of scar tissue.

Scar tissue is stiffer and harder than the original skin or muscle or whatever. Can a heart break so often that it is someday incapable of loving any more....just to avoid the pain that seems inevitable?

Tears....are tears the answer? Do they wash away the scars and clean off all the dried blood? I think they must, because my heart continues to love....knowing that pain is probable if not mandatory. So I cry. Being well acquainted with grief I know it is transitory. The release of pain through sobs without sound or words. (#14)

I know all the platitudes. Have heard them many times. Can answer each one of them with "yes, but...."

So where do I find  peace? How do I go on? How do I keep loving? (I KNOW this will sound trite but it is the solace of my heart) - I find a way to trust Him. His Living Word speaks to the deep places of my being in ways that no human logic or consolation can (#15). I see His love and encouragement however, in the eyes and hugs of those who are always there to help put the pieces of my heart back together and hold them in their loving embrace until the scar tissue gives it new strength - again.  hmmmmm perhaps the scar tissue IS part of its strength to keep on beating? Is there a verse similar to the old saying..."that which does not kill us serves to make us stronger"? I'll have to look that one up.

Now...in the meantime...since all the things that now exist in this painful situation - I have NO control over, I just keep going...keep loving...keep trusting...keep hoping. Because "God is my refuge and my strength. A very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1 (#16)