Love Lost

This is what I wanted for years......just NOT how I wanted it to happen.

I now have endless days and hours per day stretched before me to spend in my studio doing one of the things that gives me such enjoyment...and a feeling of completion and accomplishment. Making Art. That is what I have longed for. Days of art without interruptions or distractions. Just didn't want it to be mine by way of pain, anger, hurt, mourning....

Seems we don't get to choose how things come into our lives. So now I have two opposing emotions in my heart. I so miss my little darling granddaughter. Miss her so much it is often a physical pain...and the freedom to throw myself totally into my art.

Is enjoying my now "free" studio time a betrayal of all she has meant to me the past 3 years??? Especially the many many hours we spent together in this same studio making art.

"I'm an artist, Nani....just like you!"

How she is no longer here is a story too personal and painful to post in any public venue. It will have to be enough just to say it hurt more than the death of our 2 year old son. At least I KNOW where he is and what he is doing.  Her current situation, in my heart, is full of fear and concern. BUT....I keep reminding myself (#13) - Abba knows just where she is and just what she needs. He is able to care for her deep in her sweet, loving and tender heart in ways I could never do.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Oh there are many times I do not believe that to be true! And then I believe it with all my heart. All I know is that it is much more painful to have lost.

So, I wonder, how many times can a heart break and keep on loving? Does it truly heal or do scars remain? While I know Abba is a perfect healer...I have to admit that my heart so often feels like one big mass of scar tissue.

Scar tissue is stiffer and harder than the original skin or muscle or whatever. Can a heart break so often that it is someday incapable of loving any more....just to avoid the pain that seems inevitable?

Tears....are tears the answer? Do they wash away the scars and clean off all the dried blood? I think they must, because my heart continues to love....knowing that pain is probable if not mandatory. So I cry. Being well acquainted with grief I know it is transitory. The release of pain through sobs without sound or words. (#14)

I know all the platitudes. Have heard them many times. Can answer each one of them with "yes, but...."

So where do I find  peace? How do I go on? How do I keep loving? (I KNOW this will sound trite but it is the solace of my heart) - I find a way to trust Him. His Living Word speaks to the deep places of my being in ways that no human logic or consolation can (#15). I see His love and encouragement however, in the eyes and hugs of those who are always there to help put the pieces of my heart back together and hold them in their loving embrace until the scar tissue gives it new strength - again.  hmmmmm perhaps the scar tissue IS part of its strength to keep on beating? Is there a verse similar to the old saying..."that which does not kill us serves to make us stronger"? I'll have to look that one up.

Now...in the meantime...since all the things that now exist in this painful situation - I have NO control over, I just keep going...keep loving...keep trusting...keep hoping. Because "God is my refuge and my strength. A very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1 (#16)