Of Mice and Men

This from the Robert Burns poem - To A Mouse

Not the Steinbeck book - although he purportedly took the title of his book from this poem.

In the poem, the man has upturned a little mouse's leaf and twig home while plowing. Below are the last two stanzas. I copied it in the original Scots....just because I love the sound of it.  If you would like a "translation", I have added a page to this blog with the whole poem in both Scots dialect and modern English.

But Mousie, thou are no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

Still, thou art blest, compar'd wi' me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e'e,
On prospects drear!
An' forward, tho' I canna see,
I guess an' fear!

Oh how many times have you heard that famous verse..."The best laid plans of mice and men are often gone awry"? Very often I hear it....and say it....when what I perceive were very well made plans go awry....or fly off into oblivion until no vestige of them remains.

That has been my past two days...plans going awry.  Simple plans really...nothing earth shaking by any definition. BUT...they were MY plans that I worked on diligently so all things would go smoothly. But.....no....

So like the man with the plow, I look back and see plans dashed on the rocks of reality...a reality often not of my making.  I look forward to my future plans, and because of so many past plans destroyed, I look with insecurity and fear....surely those will probably not turn out either.

Looking back...my plans were good ones, worthy of fruition I thought.  I still am unsure why some of them are ripped apart and gone forever.....hope draining out by bits and drabs with each demolition.

Two wonderful sons

A big happy family...house overflowing at holidays

My children's big events - graduation, marriage, birth of their children (in that order)

Joyful times with grandchildren....teaching them...playing with them....watching them grow up

A life filled with giving whenever and wherever my heart leads

To name a few

All good and admirable plans....dreams....hopes

All now gone for what looks for all intents and purposes to be....forever



The burning question then becomes....what about future plans? Is it even worth making any plans beyond the next five minutes? Like the poem..."An' forward, tho' I canna see, I guess an' fear!" It's almost as if it would be better NOT to plan anything that is important to me.  Like the very act of planning assures their failure.  My history would seem to back up this hypothesis.

But I'm taking all steps I can NOT to fear....either past or future events. So I turn to Abba. What does He have to say about planning....mine AND His....

Proverb 19:21 - Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Old thoughts well up. It's what I've heard so often in the past. MY plans are somehow all wrong because HIS plans prevail.  My plans are all wrong just by the simple fact that I made them.  But is that true? Oh I understand if my plans were to prove wicked or harmful....no problem grasping that concept. But good plans....Biblically sound plans....surely THOSE match up with Abba's plans!!

So I'm left rather adrift....To Plan or Not To Plan....that is a good question it seems. (apologies to Shakespeare) I THINK I know what the best path is at a given time. It all makes very logical sense - even to me! It doesn't transgress any of Abba's laws or even suggestions!

But awry they went. 

Ok, then what is "awry"? It has a negative connotation - and surely from the planners perspective it seems negative at the time. 

BUT.....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)  (#46)

Well....that doesn't seem very "awry"!!

So I pray and believe for a renewed mind more attuned to His so that His plans for me and mine can become one.  I want to follow that path that HE has planned for me....to hear His still small voice in my ear....directing and guiding......

And all along the way...I look under every rock, every branch...around each curve....to find another of His 1000 gifts to me.

Confessions of a Junk Junkie

They say confession is good for the soul.

Here's hoping they are right!

My confession? I'm a junk junkie.... a major pack rat....a dumpster diver even.  In my own defense I have to say that it is a common characteristic of many mixed media artists.  So at least I'm not alone.

And some of us have raised this "addiction" to a whole new level. My husband (and when she lived with us - my now 5 year old granddaughter) throw nothing away without asking me first if I want it for an art project.  My granddaughter has kept the wrapper from a granola bar - "I can use it for an art project, Nani!"

Oh great...not only am I an addict...I'm a pusher!! Sad realization.......

So what is so alluring about junk? Rusted pieces of metal.....Odd shaped pieces of wood...Stray buttons and ribbons...

The list is extensive believe me....even including a little tool cabinet drawer with rattlesnake bones, porcupine quills and buffalo teeth.



I try...really I do...to throw some of the "junk" out on occasion.  But alas...it seldom happens.  There is this overriding feeling that "someday it could be a very important part of a beautiful piece of art!" 

Some "junk" I find and immediately have plans for it. Other times a bit just grabs my attention and I haul it away. If it grabs me then surely it will become art someday...right?

(stick with me now....this is headed somewhere...)

If you drive by my house you will see what looks rather like a rusty junk yard on the side of our house. An extension of my art studio actually.  Hidden away there (although probably not hidden enough for our neighbors) are pieces of various sizes or metal in various stages of rusting. This summer they made some AMAZING rusted fabrics! And next summer they will make some more!

 I have drawers of odd bits - mesh onion bags, bubble wrap, plastic shower mat shaped like rocks, a couple of lotus pods.... Well...you get the picture.

And don't get me started on old watch parts!!!!!

And again I face the question - what makes all this so interesting????  I see the potential!!! Really I do. Most often OTHERS definitely DON'T see any potential. But they don't see it through my eyes! (#42)

And then yesterday it hit me......

Abba is a junk junkie, too! (#43) Think about it....

He doesn't collect odd bits of metal and wood and shells.  BUT......He DOES collect some very odd individuals! Pieces discarded by the world. Sometimes found in a dumpster or a pile of refuse washed up on a beach somewhere.  Rejects..."junk". 

Another confession....I sometimes don't see what He sees in them. But then I'm reminded....HE is the artist on this project. HE sees them with the eyes of the Great Creator...the Ultimate Creator...the source of all creativity! (#44)

Some of this "junk" He uses in an immediate project. Some He knows will fit perfectly in His next beautiful piece. And some just grab His eye and He knows that with time and patience, we will become a very important part of an amazing piece of His design.

So now....I find myself considering that when I meet some of the "junk" I want to see them through HIS eyes....eyes that see potential no matter how hidden.

And you know what? I hope others will look through His eyes when they see me.  A re-purposed former piece of rejected "junk".

So...yes...I'm a junk junkie.

But....I think I'm in very good company

Big and Small

BIG and small are very different I think...at least where miracles are concerned...or so I thought.

So many situations in life today need BIG miracles. I mean parting the Red Sea, burning bush, stopping time kind of miracles. These situations seem to need BIG miracles - at least to me they do. Mainly I suppose because I can't come up with a human, logical, probable idea of what a solution might even be!

Then I wonder...do they seem like BIG miracles to Abba? From His perspective are any of them BIG miracles...or just what He does everyday anyway...somewhere...for someone. Those mind-blowing monster mountains that loom up in front of me are probably not all that huge to Him...are they?

This has been a very unsettling thought for today. I think I'm asking Abba for something next to impossible.  Like I think He has to work extra hard to bring it about. But in considering it all...I'm thinking that is not at all what is going on.

He is HUGE...more than my small human mind can get around that's for sure. Aren't all the monster mountains just "another day at the office" for Him?(#33) When I consider it...I think that just might be so!

Can you see how that changes everything???? Drastically changes EVERYTHING!!!!

I have to chuckle as I write this because that "child's" chorus is now ringing in my head....

My God is so BIG
So STRONG and so MIGHTY
There's NOTHING my God cannot do! (#34)

Perhaps we need the assurance of that chorus as adults even more than the kids do!

Give it a minute...just consider the concept...

Did Abba have to work extra hard to part the Red Sea? Now I don't think so.

Can a perception change so quickly? Yes. Can I now "live" there? Oh I hope so!!! How life would change, how much worry and fear would vanish.  Just to think that these huge scary monsters are really quite simple to Him. Oh I've said many times that verse that all things are possible, etc. but that didn't break that paralizing fear and doubt in my heart that they just might not be probable! Why? Because my perception was all out of whack! Did I dare ask Him for something so HUGE? I lived like He saw the mountains from my perspective as well. Now it's all different!

Then I think of the other end of the spectrum....small miracles. I've always thought of these as Abba's little love notes to remind me that He is still in control while the BIG miracles are still in process. We all have them....an unexpected lovely little thing. 

A butterfly lands on your shoulder, the wind brings the aroma of fresh cut grass, a quick unexpected hug from someone you adore.(#35)  You get the picture.  Just like a little loving smile from our Father.

Then I looked at that concept again after thinking about this earlier today. I was still pondering it when I read this quote on another blog....

Sometimes when I consider what tremendous
consequences come from little things,
I am tempted to think
there are no little things.  ---Bruce Barton

 That is when the light broke through, the Eureka moment, that Aha! for today.

BIG or small - all are the same to Abba! All are so completely in His realm of possibility. (#36)

He who merely spoke the whole universe into existence - even my big monster mountains are small in comparison to that! (#37)

Yep....

My God is so BIG
So STRONG and so MIGHTY
There's NOTHING my God cannot do!!!

Now I choose to see HIM as BIG and know that He will help me adjust my vision.(#38) Help me see things like big scary monster mountains from His perspective! This could be a really fun part of the journey!!

Audit Time

Retrospection..........Introspection...............

Taking stock...all started yesterday when I read a blog post about living our real life. Meaning, as I read it, am I living the life God has designed for me? My first reaction was, "Yep...think so....pretty sure" Always leaving that little door open for the possibility of "nope...missed the mark...again" 

How many of us have grown up under the umbrella of that wicked performance orientation? All about the doing and doing it RIGHT. I mean...who DOESN'T want that?  But knowing it is not achievable...ever...not completely.  The burden becomes unbearable. The vestiges of that are what constantly make me second guess...well...everything it seems. Have I followed Him where HE wants me to go? If I think I have done well (we all know THAT isn't possible, right?) I MUST look again because that can't be!

Or can it?

My husband and I have coffee together every morning on our 4 season porch. (#22)  It is our time together before the day takes us both off in many divergent directions. It is our time to connect. Some mornings it is just a beautiful quiet time to just be in each others presence - and that is enough. Only a few mornings we try to solve problems facing us (those are not my favorite mornings by the way). I don't like starting my day off like that.  But often we discuss deep meaningful things. Some verse, some happening, some event sparks a discussion of what that means in our life, how does that effect our daily walk with Abba, where are we involved in the big picture (and often the smaller picture - much closer to our heart-home)

This morning was one of the last mentioned ones. All sparked by that blog post and the following questioning.

We took a very long long look back over our life together, where we have been, where we went and how we got there. And I have to tell you...it was inspiring. Oh not because we are exceptional people but because we have an awesome and exceptional God. (#23)

Ever heard of a coracle? (I won't go into a long explanation here so I added the basic information on a separate page on this blog entitled Of Celtic Monks and Little Boats) I first learned about them in a study of Celtic Christianity. The minute my husband and I heard the description of a coracle we looked at each other and knew that was a story of our life.  And it continues to be it seems. The important part of that for today is that we have come to many many points in our life where major decisions had to be made (and even some smaller decisions as well). After much prayer and discussion...decisions were made. VERY often those decisions didn't make "sense" to other people...seemed unwise or even downright wrong. But we made the best decisions we could with the information and guidance we had. Did we make mistakes....oh I figure that was a definite possibility.  However, that is one of the things I find so awe-inspiring about Abba...even if we head a wrong direction, misunderstand His leading, or whatever, He is big enough to work with that to bring about His perfect will anyway (#24).

In the Old Testament they set up stones to remind them of all that God had done with them and for them. We visited many of those piles of stones this morning. Over and over again seeing the hand of a loving and powerful Abba leading and keeping us.(#25)  Always amazed that even when by man's economy, we were not successful - all Abba taught us, began in us that we didn't even recognize at the time, was successful in HIS economy.(#26) He is faithful....always. He can't be unfaithful or forgetful of us. It is not His nature...ever.(#27)

So we take stock.  Past and present. Am I living the life God designed for me today? I have to answer from the depths of my heart - and after much prayerful introspection and retrospection - yes, I believe I am. But only by His GRACE. His fingerprints are all over our life...my life.(#28) I see His imprint today as well. And only He knows what imprints He is leaving that I don't even recognize yet??!!

This beginning of my New Life....where will it lead? I have no idea. But I jump in the coracle and take off without fear...knowing Who is the rudder, Who is the current of the sea that moves and guides my little boat to wherever He knows I need to be. (#29)And in the audit of my life...I know the "success" of being loved by an amazing Love and forgiven by an amazing Grace and protected by powerful Strength.(#30)

And for me...that is success enough.

Audit complete for today. The books are balanced and all accounts are in order because of who HE is and His amazing grace and love. (#31)

A Still Warrior

Isn’t it amusing sometimes where the mind wanders off to? (well…my mind does anyway) Often I can’t even trace the path back to what ever started it in the direction where it ended up. That happened today.

For some reason I was thinking about the meaning of names. Do they make a difference? Beats me. All I know is that I chose the name Kelly before I had the slightest clue as to what it means. And yet somehow it fits me well…most of the time.

Kelly means Warrior.

Ok now don’t panic! I’m not going to hurt you! But it got me thinking about being a warrior. I have had an exchange with another sister on this similar journey involving one thousand gifts. We are both trying to “be still”…to “wait” How does a warrior be still? Doesn’t seem to fit really.

I have always loved the battle…the challenge. A born risk-taker, not much scares me really. Except perhaps boredom…that scares me! Hence the problem with “being still”. I’m not a passive person by nature. I want to discover, explore, try new things, solve problems, make things better, fix things (and sometimes people – not always appreciated!). All those “doing” things.

For everything there is a season…A time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:8b) Lately the battle has been pitched and bloody and relentless. Many times I have called for help to keep on. Like Moses when Joshua was battling the Amalekites. His hands grew tired and Aaron and Hur held his hands up for him. (#18) I thank Abba continually that He has blessed me with family and heart-sisters and brothers who helped me battle when I was exhausted.

Could this time of “being still” be the same as a time of peace for a warrior? A time to recuperate, rejuvenate, and just rest? In my mind I see photos of our troops in Afghanistan, sleeping in full gear, wherever they can find a bit of shade or respite from the sun and wind.

Sometimes we just can’t fight any longer today. We need some R & R. Warriors need that. To get away from the battle, gain a new perspective before heading back into the fray.

So today, I can see the blessing of “being still”…”waiting”…R & R. (#19) Now to use this time as it is intended. To go with it instead of fighting it and chaffing to get back to the “doing” bits.

Today at least….I get it…..

Love Lost

This is what I wanted for years......just NOT how I wanted it to happen.

I now have endless days and hours per day stretched before me to spend in my studio doing one of the things that gives me such enjoyment...and a feeling of completion and accomplishment. Making Art. That is what I have longed for. Days of art without interruptions or distractions. Just didn't want it to be mine by way of pain, anger, hurt, mourning....

Seems we don't get to choose how things come into our lives. So now I have two opposing emotions in my heart. I so miss my little darling granddaughter. Miss her so much it is often a physical pain...and the freedom to throw myself totally into my art.

Is enjoying my now "free" studio time a betrayal of all she has meant to me the past 3 years??? Especially the many many hours we spent together in this same studio making art.

"I'm an artist, Nani....just like you!"

How she is no longer here is a story too personal and painful to post in any public venue. It will have to be enough just to say it hurt more than the death of our 2 year old son. At least I KNOW where he is and what he is doing.  Her current situation, in my heart, is full of fear and concern. BUT....I keep reminding myself (#13) - Abba knows just where she is and just what she needs. He is able to care for her deep in her sweet, loving and tender heart in ways I could never do.

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Oh there are many times I do not believe that to be true! And then I believe it with all my heart. All I know is that it is much more painful to have lost.

So, I wonder, how many times can a heart break and keep on loving? Does it truly heal or do scars remain? While I know Abba is a perfect healer...I have to admit that my heart so often feels like one big mass of scar tissue.

Scar tissue is stiffer and harder than the original skin or muscle or whatever. Can a heart break so often that it is someday incapable of loving any more....just to avoid the pain that seems inevitable?

Tears....are tears the answer? Do they wash away the scars and clean off all the dried blood? I think they must, because my heart continues to love....knowing that pain is probable if not mandatory. So I cry. Being well acquainted with grief I know it is transitory. The release of pain through sobs without sound or words. (#14)

I know all the platitudes. Have heard them many times. Can answer each one of them with "yes, but...."

So where do I find  peace? How do I go on? How do I keep loving? (I KNOW this will sound trite but it is the solace of my heart) - I find a way to trust Him. His Living Word speaks to the deep places of my being in ways that no human logic or consolation can (#15). I see His love and encouragement however, in the eyes and hugs of those who are always there to help put the pieces of my heart back together and hold them in their loving embrace until the scar tissue gives it new strength - again.  hmmmmm perhaps the scar tissue IS part of its strength to keep on beating? Is there a verse similar to the old saying..."that which does not kill us serves to make us stronger"? I'll have to look that one up.

Now...in the meantime...since all the things that now exist in this painful situation - I have NO control over, I just keep going...keep loving...keep trusting...keep hoping. Because "God is my refuge and my strength. A very present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1 (#16)

The Journey Begins

hmmmmm let's see.....no sooner do I get this blog designed and ready to start than the first stone in the pathway appears. Just to be sure I'm learning I suppose??? My husband just called to tell me the clutch went out on his car. Have to admit my first response in my heart was, "Seriously?????? All we need is a new expense!!" But having just been immersed all morning in Eucharisteo, my heart found a new answer to this challenge....

I am so thankful we have discovered trustworthy mechanics close to home to take the car to!

I am so thankful for having re-joined AAA so they can tow the car to these wonderful mechanics of integrity!

OK...so I'm starting just where I am today. That would make these #1 and #2 on my travel journal I suppose so here goes........

#1 - We have discovered trustworthy mechanics close to home to take the car to!
#2 - Having re-joined AAA so they can tow the car to these wonderful mechanics of integrity!

And so the journey begins.......

#3 - Abba's perfect timing in bringing this to me on the very day I have dubbed as "the first day of my New Life"!
#4 - The faithfulness of a long-time friend to share all this with me. Listening to God telling her to pass it on.

The past several years have been more than trying and challenging. I have on some days succeeded in maintaining some modecum of sanity. On many others I have dissolved into a heap of pain and dispair, quivering on the floor, seeking hope, seeking understanding. None was to be found on those days (or at least none I could comprehend). Recent months have brought a "perfect storm" of hurt, pain, anger, losses, fear and mourning. I knew I could not live in this state long and survive with any form of what could possibly pass for a life. I had to let go as much as humanly possible and struggle to find out what my life is to look like now...digging out...moving on...

Thankfully, being an artist, I have so many expressive and creative outlets to bury myself in to ward off the tears and pain. That was my original plan anyway. And I CAN get lost in my art without much effort at all. The downside to this plan was that eventually, the quiet times would come. The times when I have to face what is left of my life. One can only dance so fast and so long. (Reminds me of one of my favorite sayings "I'm dancing as fast as I can!" to describe the overwhelming effort to keep up...with everything....with anything)

Now with the thrill of heading out on an unplanned, exciting new adventure, I begin this journey to discover TRUE joy. No longer interested in just passing as joyful...with strained smile and torn heart. But the TRUE  joy which only Abba can help me discover in my own life.  The healing that only He can bring. And it IS a thrill I start with instead of the determination to make it work. I'm thrilled to see just how He is going to work it all out in my heart, finding His face and handiwork all around me again. Depending on HIM and not on myself.

My hope is also that you will go with me...because I know that whatever HE does will bring strength and joy to your heart as well. Want to come along for the ride...the adventure? Here is a link to the blog post that started all this for me:  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/09/when-its-all-pressing-too-much-youd-like-answers/  Needless to say, the title grabbed my attention. I hope you will read it sometime soon.

Now to add to the list with some of the thanks I found myself pondering today...this first day of my new journey.........

#5 - Abba shared with me His creative nature and helped me see the artist He placed inside me long ago...now unburied
#6 - A lifemate, my wonderful husband. Not only is he all I ever wanted...he is all I ever needed as a husband
#7 - Our second son who is already living in perfect joy with Abba
#8 - KNOWING that I will not forever be separated from him. See you soon Beffer.
#9 - KNOWING that as of a month ago, my wonderfully sweet, kind and loving dad joined him. I often picture them together.
#10 - The blessing of TRUE and close "sisters of the heart". How could I travel without you wonderful women!
#11 - A spiritual foundation, built and fostered over many generations before me and hopefully many after me.
#12 - Children of Abba who are so wonderfully adept at sharing their stories and the lessons they have learned - so those of us less talented can read them and see guideposts along the path.

I know I have a long way to go to get to 1000 (and way beyond I would imagine) but even this small first step has brought raindrops of hope to a very dry and parched soul. I just might even see the beginnings of a new blossom forming........