After a Time of Lostness

Yes, I know. It has been a very long time since I've written here. Not that I think anyone is listening that I return. It is only to have a place to organize my struggles and glimpses of victory that I even write now.

It has been a very long and very dry season. Although the word "dry" doesn't begin to express the pain and struggle. Dry somehow seems too clean. It has been a down-bogging, sloppy, messy and ugly time. Dealing with "family business" had drained and buried and defeated me to the point of not wanting to share or talk about it. My brilliant solution was to ignore it?? Deny it? While I didn't deny or ignore the situation, I so wanted to deny my total helplessness to remedy anything or to improve the state of things..

You see, in all this pain and lostness and hurt, God has commanded one thing of me...."Be Still" And I'm the first to tell you that I am not a good "be-stiller"...not even close. I want to DO something!! But when Abba calls me to be still, I have to listen and strive with my whole being to obey. And it is the most difficult thing He has ever asked of me. Why? Shouldn't being still be restful and peaceful? I guess it is SUPPOSED to be but in my experience...in my heart...it is like asking me to swim across the ocean. I don't think I have what it takes.

He let me know the reason at least. Whatever the outcome of this long-term, ever painful struggle...He wanted His fingerprints and His fingerprints ONLY to be seen on every happening along the way. Others involved in the mess don't see it at all. They only see my faults and my struggles as weaknesses to be exploited and ridiculed. I've never felt so alone and misunderstood and misrepresented.

The long hard slog back up to glimpses of daylight has produced many bruises and many gashes in my emotional and spiritual being. At times I have so wanted to DO and not BE that I have checked with Him again and again just to see if the command still holds. And there it is, from many different sources and many different directions, the same still small but very strong Voice..."Be Still"

I see hurt and injustice and I want to DO. Someone lashes out at me and every fiber of my flesh wants to lash back! I've spent way too much of my emotional energy devising what I could possibly do to change things...change my life...change other people. I think, "If only I did THIS or THAT" but no sooner do those plans and options leave my aching heart...there it is...that same Voice, whispering with almost a pleading...."Be Still"

In the past during this many year struggle, I have not listened well. I have jumped in and done things my way. Always with the DOING of things. I realize now that I was only trying to show Him that my way would work! Well, you don't need a blog to let you know how well THAT went.All it did was greatly delay His plan while I tried to make it all happen NOW. But the delay is over. How many things would already be better if I had just stayed out of the way...just "Been Still"?

Relationships torn apart, hearts shattered into a million little crumbs. And all the time the underlying fear that it will all be gone...forever. I'm so tired of crying. So tired of being sad and afraid. So tired of even caring. So wishing that I could just run away and forget it all...leave it all behind.

But for some reason, Abba has required that I remain. I've given up asking why (well... most days I have) because the only answer wrung from heaven is the same..."Be Still"

Yes, I've taken a few baby steps in this "new life" of lost ones and gone ones. Some days I'm even excited about this "new life" but mostly just staggering to find the next baby step along the way. I'm not at all sure even what this "new life" will look like or how I will respond to anything or anyone. It is a whole new vista opening up little by little. I am indeed a stranger in a strange land.

But He is showing me, baby step by baby step. I'm learning to trust him...deeply and without reservation. Please notice that I say "learning" not "have learned". I am so aware of the long distance to go yet. I cling to His promises to me with the determination of a drowning soul in a vast ocean clinging to a single circle that floats.

My joy and my thanks to Him for His patience with me, His understanding of my aching and fearful heart, His provision to me of a faithful husband and faithful friends. I so often wonder if they grow weary of even seeing my name on the caller ID. It has consumed me for too long now.

I'm seeking to move on in whatever that might mean.  But I'm moving while I "Be Still"

I have no answers, I have no claims of triumph. I have no grand statements of insight or understanding. All I have is a loving and kind Father who loves me unconditionally and has plans for me sometime...somewhere.

To all of you (or any of you if anyone even reads this) who have walked beside me in this journey, often times even carrying me on your shoulders of prayer, I pray Abba's richest blessings on you all. You have my undying gratitude.

So I close my ramblings for today. It's a selfish exercise really. I don't write this to help anyone or point the way or shine a light. I do it because it helps me somehow to put it into written words. My own declaration of obedience even through the pain and loneliness and loss. 

Vision Question

While on the treadmill this morning....a good time to think and pray...I was considering a current situation in my life that has caused me great emotional pain and spiritual challenge.  

My musings:

OK...(Heb 11:1) Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

Got it.

However...I'm a "visual" person. I lear best when I can SEE stuff. Could that be part of the reason faith can sometimes be such a challenge for me" Do I KNOW He is working? Absolutely. But I want to SEE it...or at least a sign of it...or something...anything...

Next:

This same situation has caused great fear in my life recently. Not fear for myself (although what happens to the one I fear for DOES greatly impact my life). I fear for another person...an innocent.

So many questions!

While she has shown great insight into the heart and love of her Abba, is she strong enough in her faith to withstand the onslaught of dysfunction in which she currently find herself? Why am I so afraid that her fledgling faith will crumble under the pressure? Perhaps because I am suffereng and sometime so close to crumbling? and I've been a Follower for decades...

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear hat to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -- I John 4:18

Well, that's me..."the one who fears." But it is no surprise to anyone that MY love is not perfect:: and in the KJV the verse says "for fear hath torment." No kidding! Such torment is no stranger these days. But it is not SUPPOSED to be my companion.

Perfect Love...

That can only be HIM! HIS love is perfect.

OK...so what do I do with that?

Do I believe He lover her perfectly? YES
Do I believe He loves her even more than I do? YES
Do I believe He cares for and protects the Innocents? YES

So I fear because...????? Well, obviously the failing is on my part, not His. Now what do I do? Or perhaps a better question for a soul who is "being still"...How am I supposed to BE?

Because just now I can't SEE if she is protected, surviving and standing firm.

But is it my RIGHT to see?? Well...since I don't I can only surmise that the answer to that is NO.

So I wander on in faith...without fear.  Well...at least I endeavor to do that.

Now you want to know the amazing love of my Abba? This weekend, we get to see her!! Even in spite of my frail and feeble struggle to be who I'm supposed to be in all this...HIS perfect love is taking "visual" steps to quench that fear andlet me SEE His perfect love at work.

And after this...I can only hope in His divine grace to keep working in my strangled little heart to trust HIS love for her and find a PEACE that passes all understanding...HIS peace..the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, that will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

Traveling the Road

I had an interesting experience today as I was working on one of my latest art pieces.

There I was, sitting at my sewing machine, working on a rather mesmerizing quilting pattern of continuous line spirals, and it spoke to my heart.

Free motion quilting on an intricate pattern can be quite challenging.  For this pattern, especially after doing several of them, I started to glance ahead to see how much I still had to complete.  Bad idea...the needle wandered a bit off the prescribed line!!  Not a good thing when attempting concentric circle spirals.

Back to concentration....

I tried to glance backwards (all while still sewing) at what I had already stitched to check to be sure I was still on the line.  Another bad idea...the needle wandered a bit off the prescribed line!!

Back to concentration....

Kept my eye on each single stitch.  Would you believe that was not the answer either!!

Finally I found that if I concentrated just enough to see the immediate area, it was not long until I found the rhythm I needed to get a free and easy flow of fabric through the machine.

What on earth is this life lesson you might ask?   Well, as it spoke to my heart...here it is.

When traveling the road throughout my life, if I look too far ahead I can stumble on rocks or other things in the path.  If I turn to look behind and measure my progress (while still walking) I can get totally off the path. And if I concentrate so much on each individual step, staring at the ground right at my feet, I can walk right into a tree or a wall.

But....when I relax (let Abba give me the appropriate perspective on my journey) and see the road from His viewpoint, I travel more free and easy, flowing in His guidance for my travels.

Praying that your travel along your road, following His guidance, will be joyful and rewarding!

Patience Pays Off

Finally after all the holiday hubbub, it looks like my life is getting some form of order!

For me....that is something!

This year I'm dedicating to exploring what future might be awaiting me in the art world.

My word for 2013 is --  INVESTMENT

I'm investing time, money, effort and concentration in making and sharing my art.  Why art you might ask (or perhaps you didn't). Art is a passion of mine, what inspires me and gets me up in the morning. Now I know that might not sound "holy" but you need to understand.... To me...art is an opportunity to share in Abba's beautiful gift of making more beauty. To recognize that He shares with me a small part of His creativity...well...it boggles my mind.  And in the journey to discover true joy...how can the gift He's shared with me for this time NOT be a  major part of my world and life?

And...I learn from it. He uses my experiences in my studio, learning from other artists, sharing this passion to teach me more about Him and about His desires for my life.

Like today.....Patience

I have a new piece on my work island and I'm so excited about it. It is laid out and ready for the next step which will be the stitching.  But before that, I have to pick out a backing for this fiber art quilt.  Now I KNOW that most people see the backing but I try whenever possible to make it pleasing as well. I "auditioned" several fabrics that would work but none really satisfied me.

The temptation to "settle" and just get on with the fun part was strong. I walked away from my fabric stash a couple of times but just couldn't really commit to the fabric I had in my  hand.

THEN...the inspiration from Him hit with full force! And it was like a key fitting into a lock and smoothly turning to open up the door!

So here's the deal. The theme for this exhibit is "Page Turner".  I happen to be a HUGE mystery buff so I chose as the title for my piece the iconic first line "It was a dark and stormy night..." I can't show you the piece yet as it has only just begun but it will be a dark night with an old house and lightening. Fine...now for the backing fabric.

I have a large piece (in fact HAVE had it for some time!) that is a very light cream background with an almost golden light brown WRITING on it! How perfect is that for a book themed art piece? I'm so excited!

Now to the lesson for my life today --

Don't settle just to keep moving or doing. It is SO worth the patience to wait until it is really "right" and "fits".  

Would I have had a nice piece with the other fabrics? Probably. After all, this IS just the back of it.  But...AHA! Another lesson.

He cares about the so-called insignificant and the often unseen!

Who among us hasn't at some time or another felt insignificant and unseen, stranded in the backwater, passed by unnoticed?  But He never loses sight of us...never loses His caring for us and His desire for our JOY.

Patience (NOT a virtue of mine I'm afraid) but it is growing daily...by His grace!

Last thought -- I am humbled that He considers His patience with me to be worth the Joy at the end. That He sees me as HIS valuable work of art, embellished daily by His hand......even the backing part of my life no one else really cares about.

A Sweet Aroma

One of my favorite things about snow storms is that usually it means I get to spend long stretches of time in my studio.  A true joy to be sure!!

These past two days, after about a foot of snow, I've been dyeing fabric for a new art series I will be working on in 2013. It has been quite a while since I last spent days dyeing. The interesting thing to me was how much I enjoy the smell...the aroma...of procion dyes! I know it might sound weird but I think it is because it brings back wonderful memories.

Memories of discovery...discovery of the whole world of art. Yep, it started for me when I dyed my first piece of fabric. And Abba is taking me on a creative journey that seems at times to run full tilt, but with occasional rest periods to reflect and be inspired for the next leg of the journey.

So as I was reveling in the aroma of a studio full of dyed fabric, I was contemplating how such a small thing as an aroma could cause such wonderful emotions to well up in my heart.  The cause of such great joy, fun and excitement!!

And He reminded me of Psalm 141:2 May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. Just think.....   Our prayers...a sweet aroma before our Heavenly Father.  I believe our prayers, a significant part of our relationship with Him, cause great joy, fun and excitement in HIS heart. And as great as that is....He doesn't stop there. 2 Corinthians 2:14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ's triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of Him everywhere. May all the wonderful aromas that surround us, especially during Christmas... Baking...Cooking...Greenery...Candles...The Fireplace Be a sweet reminder of the joy He takes in our prayers and the joy we have in representing Him to the lost world.

Reconcile The Books

It seems there is inspiration to be found in any number of places. Sometimes unexpected ones!

Yesterday I was reading in a trade magazine I subscribe to. The Editor's column was about "times when we are forced to 'reconcile the books' and start over." One obvious time being the New Year with all it's hopeful and optimistic resolutions. But then she carried it over to an artist she knows who lost all of their current art creations, supplies and business as their studio washed down a river during Hurricane Irene. It follows with the inspiring story of how she started over. Even how this incident "allowed" her to experiment with a new avenue of art she had been wanting to explore.

As an artist, I could not imagine losing all the things I've done and all my carefully gathered supplies in one fateful day.

And it challenged me to think long and hard.....

Not long into this enlightening soul search, I was thinking. Thinking about how so often, when life throws me a curve, I get behind on projects and art work deadlines (self-imposed ones mostly). Just recently, I was feeling burdened by falling behind in an online group where one of my goals (set no doubt during a time of great energy and optimism) is to do something new every week.  I'm now about 5 weeks behind.  So I had already decided to just start over where I am today and let those 5 weeks go...off into the wind...and taking the guilt and "failure" along with them.

Then that still small Voice reminded me.....

The same is true in our spiritual adventure.  We don't have to be burdened with past failures, missed opportunities, errors in judgement, etc.  He has given us a great promise....His own reminder to "reconcile the books and start over".

Lamentations 3:22-24

     The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

   His mercies never come to an end;

      they are new every morning;    

   great is your faithfulness.

So I start each day with a blank canvas....what will Abba and I paint on it today? What new adventure shall we explore? I can hardly wait!

Somewhere in the Background

If you follow this blog....you will know that "being still" is definitely a challenge for me.

And yet....my heart hears almost daily....."Be Still"

It comes from unexpected sources sometimes. But the message is the same...

BE STILL

Recently I was having a long-distance "tea" with a dear friend. It was a particularly vulnerable day...things going on that left my heart wounded and feelings barely hanging onto my sleeve they were so in the forefront.

One situation in particular - the one with the loudest "Be Still" written all over it - came up in our conversation. When I mentioned that I was off and on having a time of it...being still and all.

My friend made a simple comment.  Not like a thundering sermon or "Here's what you have to do!" kind of thing.  Just a comment in our discussion.

But it rocked my world!

Her comment: "Just because you are being still doesn't mean nothing is being done."

WHAT?????

I mean really.....could I be any more arrogant????  To think that if I wasn't doing anything then nothing was happening?  Oh sure....I could SAY that I was trusting Abba to take care of this situation and turn things around. But was I really?  If I WAS, would that comment have hit me right in that vulnerable heart???

Just thinking of that every day since our "tea" keeps me humbled before Abba and so much more aware of how feeble my attempts at resolution would be anyway.  To KNOW that He is working...no matter what it looks like....even though it might be somewhere in the background of the situation.....well let's just say that life is much more peaceful.

Oh I still talk to Him about it.  That's because that situation is never far from my thoughts.  In fact, any "down" time....time when I'm not keeping busy with daily adventures...the second I quiet down - it is there.  But now I see it differently.  I see more of His hand working in it and not my stillness.

So I will remain still... (the lyrics of "Be Still My Soul" by the Imperials are in my head....soothing my heart)

I trust Him....completely....quietly......in stillness.

"Longer Then Forever" Friends

"We'll be friends forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet
'Even longer,' Pooh answered"     --  A. A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

There are few things as sweet as a true friend.

I can only think of a couple of things more precious

My salvation - and my Saviour

My family - especially my husband and my grandkids

Friends are right up there in the top AWESOME blessings from Abba.  I can say that because I am truly blessed with amazing friends.  These are people who go through the battles with us and are there to watch our backs at every turn.  These are people who love us (and trust our friendship) enough to tell us the truth.  They encourage us, weep with us, laugh out loud with us, dream with us...

This is not just some "Oh Hi How Are You" kind of relationship.  When a true friend asks you how you are...they really want to know!! Go figure! And when you ask them...they will tell you exactly how they are without varnish or embarassment.  A trusted love for sure.

Often we stand amazed at our friends and wonder if we are worthy of such love and devotion.  The answer (well MY answer anyway) is always, NO.

BUT they don't seem to care!!  They just keep loving us anyway! How can we not return that love in kind??

And I'm impressed that Abba deals with us the same way.....our dearest and most intimate friend.

Do we deserve HIS love and devotion?  No way.  BUT...He doesn't seem to care!! He just loves us perfectly anyway!

How can we not return THAT love in kind?? 

To love HIM....

When life is just down right horrible from what we can see

When we have lost what we hold dear and love deeply

When we mean well but it all turns out pear-shaped

When we are betrayed by someone we have trusted

When we are powerless to change things we KNOW are wrong

We see these sad and distressing situations and feel a-whirl in a sea of confusion and questions.  But...when we look just a smidge past these things...

There He is........calm.......caring......ready to comfort, although not always ready to explain.....

And often we see a tear in His eye....because He knows we hurt, He knows our confusion, He hears our questions...

And HE knows that He will see it all righted....in His time....in His way.

In the meantime, He just wants us to trust, believe, enjoy and be thankful.......

For HE IS......

He is ALL things.......He is Longer Than Forever....and besides being God of the entire universe.....He has chosen to call us, YES US!! that wonderful word....

FRIEND.

Our BEST Longer Than Forever Friend

Perception

I'm a busy person.  Most likely you are as well.  Places to go...People to see...Things to Do.....

But I have to say I was called up short this morning when I received the following message in my e-mail inbox.
________________________________________________________________________________

PERCEPTION

 THE SITUATION 

  

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, this man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes.  During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.  After about 3 minutes, a middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing.  He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule. 

4 minutes later: 

The violinist received his first dollar.  A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk. 

At 6 minutes: 

A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again. 

At 10 minutes:

A 3-year old boy stopped, but his mother tugged him along hurriedly.  The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head the whole time.  This action was repeated by several other children, but every parent - without exception - forced their children to move on quickly.

At 45 minutes:

The musician played continuously.  Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while.  About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace.  The man collected a total of $32.

After 1 hour: 

He finished playing and silence took over.  No one noticed and no one applauded.  There was no recognition at all. 

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world.  He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars.  Two days before, Joshua Bell sold-out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100 each to sit and listen to him play the same music.

This is a true story.  Joshua Bell, playing incognito in the D.C Metro Station, was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. 

 This experiment raised several questions: 

       *In a common-place environment, at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? 

        *If so, do we stop to appreciate it? 

        *Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: 

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made, how many other things are we missing as we rush through life? 

_____________________________________________________________________________________

As an artist, these final questions intrigued me. As a skeptic, I went right away to find out if this is indeed a true story.  It is.

I won't be writing much on this post because I so want you to read the Washington Post story in its entirety.  It is lengthy but such a powerful story....with powerful questions and observations.  It brought me to tears more than once as I read it.  Please spend the time to read it all.  I doubt you will regret it. 

(link:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/04/AR2007040401721.html )

As a daughter of Abba, the deeper meaning and questions of this whole thing rocked my world this morning. 

How often do I not have time for His beauty....in His creation....in His people....in His Word...in His love?

Oh precious Abba, please open my eyes, my ears, my heart to Your beauty all around me. I don't want to miss even one little note, or flower petal, or child's smile.  Because in each beautiful piece, You are there.  I want to see and hear and feel YOU in my everyday world.

Eye of the Beholder

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

My husband sees me in the morning

Groggy, definitely having a bad hair moment

No makeup

And according to him....I'm beautiful!!!

OK...so he needs glasses I think.  But all kidding aside....he really means it and it blows me away.

If he sees the wrinkles, he knows how each one of them was creased into my aging face. Many matching wrinkles he has earned himself in the same battles. 

Battle scars....all warriors have them.

And my Abba has the best vision of all......and He sees me as beautiful.  How can that be?

I read the Song of Solomon and recognize His love for us expressed there.  Beauty often only He can see. In spite of all my scars of fear and worry....He sees me as beautiful.

 Perhaps the true test of real love.....deep, passionate, lasting love.

Seeing the beauty.

In Opposition

This has been morphing in my mind for days now.

How often His ways are opposite....so we are opposite.

A few years back, I did a textile piece entitled "Life Upside Down - and Slightly Off-Kilter"  At the time, it was an expression of just how life's current situation had turned my life upside down and thrown me off-kilter. I had a vision of what my life would be like at that stage of my existence.  And it wasn't THAT!  Days and hours that were my own were then spoken for by many others. My space was no longer just mine. Adjustments were definitely called for...and made. Creating this art was my way of coming to terms with life being the opposite of what I had dreamed

And I remember that so much of His calling is in opposition.

Opposition to what "makes sense"

Who loses his life for My sake will gain it.

Give and you will receive.

The meek will inherit the earth, not the forceful.

Beauty for ashes

How many times His path has lead His children in opposition to the "sense making" path.  I think of the Israelites facing the Red Sea. To them....well....that just didn't make sense at all. Until God showed up.



I want to see God, to face in the opposite direction from the "sense" makers and the fearful.

The prophet Isaiah was told to go and preach to this people. And God told him ahead of time that no one would listen.  THAT didn't make "sense", not an effecient use of time and talents for sure!  But he went...he obeyed. And THAT was his success.

And there are many other examples.

Opposite and upside down....not the "norm"

Don't be conformed but be transformed.  Being opposite with Him is a great thing.  Following Him is often upside down. And we can leave upside down in our wake.

His disciples were known for it.

But when they did not find them, they dragged Jason and some brethren to the rulers of the city, crying out, “These who have turned the world upside down have come here too." (Acts 17:6)



When we follow Him even when it doesn't make "sense"....we are in for the ride of our lives!

Given and Taken Away

The Lord gave

The Lord has taken away

The Lord gave back

The Lord took away again

Now the Lord has given again.

The same gift...like some crazy yo-yo or something.

Job 1:21 - the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised!

The giving part...it is so easy to praise the name of the Lord. I can rejoice and give Him all glory and honor and praise.
In my own heart and in the congregation, my community of believers, my chosen family around the world.

Then he takes away that very gift I so praised Him for.  I gave Him all the honor and glory.  I did it all "right"!! But the gift is still gone. Did I miss something? Did I not do enough? Oh I'm more than willing to admit that I have no idea a lot of the time. But I gave it my best...that I know. So what went so terribly wrong?  I struggle so hard to understand!

Then the gift returns!  OH HAPPY DAY!! All praises all round. Everyone who was praying for just this gift are informed..."God answered our prayers!!!" Rejoicing all over the place...around the world!

Then...the gift is gone....again. Surely not....not again..... How can this happen....again?! Why did the darkness and pain return? I can only answer...I have no idea whatsoever. Praising Him now....with the gift gone....not all that easy.  I thought I had cried all my tears before. I'm so very aware that the supply of tears seems endless.

Praise Him??? Oh I understand the concept but in those first days, I'm surprised I can even get up in the morning to face another day.  I cry out to Abba to ease the pain, to change the situation. And in meeting Him I eventually find that I CAN praise Him. Not FOR the situation but IN the situation.  I slip often...He catches me and sets my feet on the path each time...lovingly....with compassion. No reprimand in sight.  He knows our frame that we are but dust. And at times like this I feel dustier than most others. But HE remains solid and steadfast.

And He gives again.  Not EXACTLY the same gift but a gift to remind me that He loves me and can use even me....slipping, broken, inadequate me. This gift I see as a loving "place holder" while the original gift is still missing.  Not a replacement. That original gift could never be replaced. But a chance to see Him still at work. I have only to open my eyes...and my heart.

Oh yes, the pain of the missing gift is still very real and very deep. He knows that. So I also praise Him that only HE can keep that gift in HIS care just now. He hasn't forgotten or given up.  The gift is not thrown on the trash heap.  That gift is in His loving, caring....and powerful hands. 

And I praise Him for He is still the giver (and the taker) of gifts. But even in the taking, He is still my everything.  In fact, even more so. That is always worthy of praise!!

31 Days to Crazy Joy

Always up for a challenge!!

Here is what I was challenged to do....Each of the 31 days of October, acknowledge at least three gifts! AND there is a challenge calendar which lists various catagories. Areas to search and find these gifts.  Some are not areas where I would normally look for gifts.  Hence the challenge.

The goal of the challenge - well....it is in the title!

The goal is CRAZY JOY!!

I created a separate page (see the right side bar for other pages of this blog)

Want to join me on the challenge?  Here's the link to the challenge calendar...

http://www.aholyexperience.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/OctoberJoyDare.pdf

If you do join me and a whole lot of other joy seekers, please send me your page in the comment section below this post so I can enjoy your discovery of CRAZY JOY along with you!!

Come on....you KNOW you want to!  Who wouldn't love to have Crazy Joy!

I need - I Am

I love it when I can hear a message on Sunday and it hangs with me....prodding me....challenging me to think deeper. This Sunday it was a part of the whole message that intrigued me.  His name....Yaweh (our spelling)... I Am.

My first level was in recognizing that HE is the answer to everything I need (and sometimes even things I just want! - How gracious is THAT!)

I need - COMFORT.

My family is torn and hurting. The lonliness of that separation is physically painful....and emotionally painful beyond words. My heart longs to talk to them, to hold them, to remind them of how much I love them - desperately. And to remind them of how much You love them, Abba. Do they remember? Do they hear that voice that reminds them...."I love you forever and ever, no matter what, all the way up to God"

His response..... I AM

I need - HOPE.

The future seems bleak at times...insurmountable at others. Humanly speaking...hopeless. So many variables and unknowns that it boggles the mind and often the spirit. I need the ray of light at the end of this dark tunnel - hope.

His response.... I AM

I need - SECURITY

This world is a very scary place these days in many ways. I need to know that no matter what, I am safe.  And I need an understanding of just what "safe" looks like.  I need the security of the awareness that HE is in control.

His response.... I AM

I need - JOY

The day I realized that I hadn't laughed..really deeply laughed...in such a long time. That somewhere along the line sadness had become the state of being. What an awakening that was! When did THAT  happen??? Smiles and laughs had dropped...one by one...along this road of shadow and uncertainty and loss.  Until one day... they were just...gone. This is not the life I want....the life I'm meant to live. Let's face it....this is not life at all!

His response..... I AM

I need - PROVISION

I mean seriously...can ANYTHING else go wrong that requires dollars that are just not available? We don't even have a Peter to rob to pay Paul! It has been a financial two steps forward, four steps back. Situations totally out of our control, nothing to "do" to solve it. All that can be "done" is done. Along with that is the frustration of not being able to GIVE! We love to do that....to provide for others. We still find ways but it is greatly curtailed. I understand that it is more blessed to give than to receive. That is not a difficult concept for me at all! I KNOW that to be true. I just never understood the opposite side.... It is more difficult to receive than it is to give. Perhaps a chance to understand the other side?? Very probable.

His response..... I AM

And the list goes on and on.....and on.  All these needs I have and His response in answer to them all is....

I AM

Then to the next level - I realize that this Yaweh is so very much more than just His name, His identity. It is His being, His character.  HE JUST IS!!  "Before Abraham was...I AM" (Jn 8:58)  That's not just a name!!!  It is His state of eternal "be-ness"  It is the communication of all that He....well....IS!

In the garden....the betrayer and the guards come to find Him, to take Him away.... Whom do you seek?

His response..... I AM

Then....POWER....they fell down backwards.  The awesome power of that statement of who He is.  He could have evaporated them all with just those words. But He had a bigger plan in mind and heart.

On the hilltop.... whom shall I say sent me? Moses asks.....

His response..... I AM

Then....LOVE, COMPASSION, ASSURANCE, KNOWLEDGE.  He wanted them to know that the God who loves them and had called them was still in control and still watching out for them.

I AM......both strength and power but at the same time....peace, gentleness, love.

He IS.....all I ever need.....more than all I could ever want.......

ALL and EVERYTHING.

Of Mice and Men

This from the Robert Burns poem - To A Mouse

Not the Steinbeck book - although he purportedly took the title of his book from this poem.

In the poem, the man has upturned a little mouse's leaf and twig home while plowing. Below are the last two stanzas. I copied it in the original Scots....just because I love the sound of it.  If you would like a "translation", I have added a page to this blog with the whole poem in both Scots dialect and modern English.

But Mousie, thou are no thy-lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

Still, thou art blest, compar'd wi' me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But Och! I backward cast my e'e,
On prospects drear!
An' forward, tho' I canna see,
I guess an' fear!

Oh how many times have you heard that famous verse..."The best laid plans of mice and men are often gone awry"? Very often I hear it....and say it....when what I perceive were very well made plans go awry....or fly off into oblivion until no vestige of them remains.

That has been my past two days...plans going awry.  Simple plans really...nothing earth shaking by any definition. BUT...they were MY plans that I worked on diligently so all things would go smoothly. But.....no....

So like the man with the plow, I look back and see plans dashed on the rocks of reality...a reality often not of my making.  I look forward to my future plans, and because of so many past plans destroyed, I look with insecurity and fear....surely those will probably not turn out either.

Looking back...my plans were good ones, worthy of fruition I thought.  I still am unsure why some of them are ripped apart and gone forever.....hope draining out by bits and drabs with each demolition.

Two wonderful sons

A big happy family...house overflowing at holidays

My children's big events - graduation, marriage, birth of their children (in that order)

Joyful times with grandchildren....teaching them...playing with them....watching them grow up

A life filled with giving whenever and wherever my heart leads

To name a few

All good and admirable plans....dreams....hopes

All now gone for what looks for all intents and purposes to be....forever



The burning question then becomes....what about future plans? Is it even worth making any plans beyond the next five minutes? Like the poem..."An' forward, tho' I canna see, I guess an' fear!" It's almost as if it would be better NOT to plan anything that is important to me.  Like the very act of planning assures their failure.  My history would seem to back up this hypothesis.

But I'm taking all steps I can NOT to fear....either past or future events. So I turn to Abba. What does He have to say about planning....mine AND His....

Proverb 19:21 - Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

Old thoughts well up. It's what I've heard so often in the past. MY plans are somehow all wrong because HIS plans prevail.  My plans are all wrong just by the simple fact that I made them.  But is that true? Oh I understand if my plans were to prove wicked or harmful....no problem grasping that concept. But good plans....Biblically sound plans....surely THOSE match up with Abba's plans!!

So I'm left rather adrift....To Plan or Not To Plan....that is a good question it seems. (apologies to Shakespeare) I THINK I know what the best path is at a given time. It all makes very logical sense - even to me! It doesn't transgress any of Abba's laws or even suggestions!

But awry they went. 

Ok, then what is "awry"? It has a negative connotation - and surely from the planners perspective it seems negative at the time. 

BUT.....

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)  (#46)

Well....that doesn't seem very "awry"!!

So I pray and believe for a renewed mind more attuned to His so that His plans for me and mine can become one.  I want to follow that path that HE has planned for me....to hear His still small voice in my ear....directing and guiding......

And all along the way...I look under every rock, every branch...around each curve....to find another of His 1000 gifts to me.

Confessions of a Junk Junkie

They say confession is good for the soul.

Here's hoping they are right!

My confession? I'm a junk junkie.... a major pack rat....a dumpster diver even.  In my own defense I have to say that it is a common characteristic of many mixed media artists.  So at least I'm not alone.

And some of us have raised this "addiction" to a whole new level. My husband (and when she lived with us - my now 5 year old granddaughter) throw nothing away without asking me first if I want it for an art project.  My granddaughter has kept the wrapper from a granola bar - "I can use it for an art project, Nani!"

Oh great...not only am I an addict...I'm a pusher!! Sad realization.......

So what is so alluring about junk? Rusted pieces of metal.....Odd shaped pieces of wood...Stray buttons and ribbons...

The list is extensive believe me....even including a little tool cabinet drawer with rattlesnake bones, porcupine quills and buffalo teeth.



I try...really I do...to throw some of the "junk" out on occasion.  But alas...it seldom happens.  There is this overriding feeling that "someday it could be a very important part of a beautiful piece of art!" 

Some "junk" I find and immediately have plans for it. Other times a bit just grabs my attention and I haul it away. If it grabs me then surely it will become art someday...right?

(stick with me now....this is headed somewhere...)

If you drive by my house you will see what looks rather like a rusty junk yard on the side of our house. An extension of my art studio actually.  Hidden away there (although probably not hidden enough for our neighbors) are pieces of various sizes or metal in various stages of rusting. This summer they made some AMAZING rusted fabrics! And next summer they will make some more!

 I have drawers of odd bits - mesh onion bags, bubble wrap, plastic shower mat shaped like rocks, a couple of lotus pods.... Well...you get the picture.

And don't get me started on old watch parts!!!!!

And again I face the question - what makes all this so interesting????  I see the potential!!! Really I do. Most often OTHERS definitely DON'T see any potential. But they don't see it through my eyes! (#42)

And then yesterday it hit me......

Abba is a junk junkie, too! (#43) Think about it....

He doesn't collect odd bits of metal and wood and shells.  BUT......He DOES collect some very odd individuals! Pieces discarded by the world. Sometimes found in a dumpster or a pile of refuse washed up on a beach somewhere.  Rejects..."junk". 

Another confession....I sometimes don't see what He sees in them. But then I'm reminded....HE is the artist on this project. HE sees them with the eyes of the Great Creator...the Ultimate Creator...the source of all creativity! (#44)

Some of this "junk" He uses in an immediate project. Some He knows will fit perfectly in His next beautiful piece. And some just grab His eye and He knows that with time and patience, we will become a very important part of an amazing piece of His design.

So now....I find myself considering that when I meet some of the "junk" I want to see them through HIS eyes....eyes that see potential no matter how hidden.

And you know what? I hope others will look through His eyes when they see me.  A re-purposed former piece of rejected "junk".

So...yes...I'm a junk junkie.

But....I think I'm in very good company